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  • Writer's pictureRodney Alkins

What are the warning signs of divorce?

I wanted to talk about divorce today since I have gone through a divorce myself and may be can offer some help to someone who may be heading that direction. To be honest it is not the nicess feeling, it feels like you are dying and yet alive at the same time. Especially when you hear the words, "I don' I love you anymore or I love you like a brother" and then your spouse leaves and you don't know where they have gone to and no one is saying anything, because generally speaking, people hate to be involved in someone else's marriage when it is going badly.

Divorce is Not a Thing to Celebrate

I am sure my divorce was not the worse but I am not comparing, no one should need to have a divorce. A divorce has multiple effects on the couple and the surrounding loved ones, especially children. Yes, the children suffer the most, especially when the two people who are now fractured are the people they have truly known all their life. Children who are dependent on the support system of the marriage and the family basically see their world falling apart as their parents separate and act coldly towards each other.

The best acting skills does not hide the fact that something has gone terribly wrong within the marriage relationship. This is where the children begin to blame themselves for the adult problems. The Lord knows that I have gone through two years of crying with my son, before he began to come to grips with what had happened. I had to be there for him constantly to reassure him that his parents loved him and that it was not his fault that this separation and divorce happened. But how do you fully explain that to a four year old. You can't. They just will not understand at that age.

It Takes Two in Marriage and Divorce

Let me just say something here that most people do not want to accept, but it takes two hands to clap. If one persons is not about reconciling and trying to resolve the existing issues there will be no negotiation towards regaining the marriage. This is just my opinion, but I think divorce happens a long time before it actually reaches the court. I suppose divorce is the legal and absolute separation. However, living in a home with a spouse who is adamant to seek a divorce is filled with passive and aggressive conflict. The entire scene is filled with eggshells, every piece of communication is examined and rexamined for sarcasm and spite, every action is questioned for its motive. Living through a scenario like that whilst sheilding your children is highly stressful. Needless to say it doesn't really protect the children, it just makes you feel a little better about yourself in the midst of the chaos. Marriage is just not a social construct, it runs deeper than that. It binds people together, it builds families, communities and at the macro level, societies. Therefore, as divorces increase, guess what is happening families, communities and societies are being eroded.

Why Get Married if I am going to be Divorced... Eventually

This perspective of thought is so flawed yet, I hear it being bantered about in educated circles and I am surprised at the credence that has been given to the discussions. I could also ask, why should I try if I am going to fail? If everyone thought like that, the world would be a very sad place. The value of marriage today is different in this fastfood generation. This generation is also one of convenience and not discovery and as we become more digitised, we become more separated, we no longer use the natural senses that have been given to us by God to communicate and reach out to each other. The more we whatsapp, snapchat, Insta, and telegram, the further we become detached emotionally from our spouses. With all of the advancements in technology, one would think it would give us more time know our spouses and grow our love together, but there are many other things competing for our attention on our devices. With the fastfood mentality in full swing marriages will not survive. Your spouse is not a snackbox to just satisfy your immediate need, then to be tossed away. Marriage is like discovering a new land, which must now be cultivated to produce food. The spouses will eat the food prduced in the marriage which will strengthen them to keep producing more variety, making the marriage successful. If you leave the discovered land uncultivated, thorns and vines will creep in, kill the fruit being produced, leading to the eventual abandonment of the land. Key point to take away here is that marriage requires work and the benefits are awesome if both people work at it.

Here are 8 Signs that you May be on your way to Divorce

  1. You are not happy.

  2. Most of your interactions are not positive.

  3. You find reasons to avoid your spouse.

  4. Your friends or family urge you to end the relationship.

  5. Your instincts are telling you to get out.

  6. You live like roommates.

  7. Everything is hard.

  8. One or both spouses have changed values or priorities.

My Final Piece of Advice

If any of these signs are present within your current marriage relationship, all is not lost. Once we are alive and in our right mind, there is always room for change, repentance, extending grace and humility to each other for everything that has been done. However, I cannot reiterate enough the fact that it will take both people to want reconciliation. Keep your friends out of your marital challenges where possible, they are not there most of the time and cannot readily give you objective advice. If your spouse is not given to abuse or cheating, then most of everything can be worked out between the two of you. Remember there is a reason you married each other and it is still there. It is just a case that you have allowed baggage to block your vision of your beloved, rather than dealing with the issues honestly and frankly. Love is not for a day, it is a for a life time. If you have something to say, open your mouth and say it respectfully and meaningfully. Don't wait until the baby is out with the bath water.

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